The Impeccable Charm of a Fabulous Au Pair
by kaworu nagisa
Summary: "A good au pair never gets fired, because most employers are sensible.  Unless, of course, your current employer is Beatrice Cahill."  For the Madrigals' Prompt Challenge, fire.  *Winner of Best Humour, TMA R5* *Most Creative, TMA Prompt Challenge, R1*


**Dear all, **

**This is for Joyce's Prompt Challenge on the Madrigals Website – check it out – and I hope you like it. Reviews will be appreciated.**

**Oh, and I'm sorry about the whole hiatus thing :/ I won't be working on any multichapters, though. Just one-shots due to the time constraints. Thanks for being understanding!**

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><p><em>A Good Au Pair Never Gets Fired<em>

_By xoxoisabelle_

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><p><strong>A good au pair never gets fired.<strong>

I repeat, a good au pair _never_ gets fired.

_Never_ever**ever.**

**Because most employers are sensible.**

Sensible enough to spot your talents.

_Your qualities._

Your strengths.

**And so, a good au pair never gets fired because most employers are sensible.**

Unless, of course, your current employer is Beatrice Cahill.

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><p>"<em>Before you, Aunt Beatrice used to get rid of au pairs like they were cockroaches."<em>

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><p>"Adriana! How <em>dare<em> you let Dan paint-bomb the entire house! YOU'RE FIRED!"

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><p>"Carina! How <em>dare<em> you let Dan cover the entire house in peanut butter! YOU'RE FIRED!"

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><p>"Sasha! How <em>dare<em> you let Dan into my room! YOU'RE FIRED!"

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><p>"Kelly! How <em>dare<em> you let Dan climb up the trellis! YOU'RE FIRED!"

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><p>"<em>HENRIETTA!<em> HOW _DARE_ YOU LET DAN –"

Dan looked at Amy. "Just wait for it."

Amy nodded listlessly. "She was the best one we've had so far."

"...YOU'RE FIRED!"

Dan sighed. "There you go."

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><p>"FREDA!"<p>

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><p>"MONIQUE!"<p>

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><p>"MALISSA!"<p>

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><p>"CLAIRE!"<p>

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><p>"<em>CHE-RYL!"<em>

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><p>"FIRED!"<p>

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><p>"FIRED!"<p>

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><p>"FIRED!"<p>

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><p>"FIRED!"<p>

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><p>"YOU'RE <em>FIRED.<em>"

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><p>Or even just simply – "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"<p>

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><p>The day Aunt Beatrice strolled into the room, her face even more pinched than usual, Dan and Amy knew she'd found them a new au pair.<p>

"Let me guess, Aunt Beatrice. A new one?" Dan asked while shuffling through his baseball cards. He barely looked up at his ancient great-aunt.

Amy rolled her eyes behind her weathered copy of Tolstoy's _War and Peace._ She would never have dared to do that outright to Aunt Beatrice, but with Tolstoy's protection, she was pretty much okay. After all, there _was_ so much a thick book could do to an old bat with fragile limbs.

"Yes," sniffed Aunt Beatrice. "I _have_ found you a new babysitter."

"_Au pair,_" groaned Dan and Amy. Aunt Beatrice's knuckles turned white with the force she was gripping her leather purse with. She sniffed again. Aunt Beatrice _did_ sniff excessively. Every time she spoke, she sniffed. Every time she scowled, she sniffed. Every time she looked at them, she sniffed. There simply was no end to her sniffing.

Amy tried to take great interest in a conversation between Count Pyotr Kirillovich Bezukhov and Princess Maria Nikolaievna Bolkonskaya, but failed. The matter they were discussing at hand was one with which she could not communicate at all. "What's her name?"

"Nellie. Nellie Gomez." Aunt Beatrice almost unwillingly stepped away from the doorframe to reveal a totally wild-looking girl. She looked around her late teens, spanning 17-19. "Children, this is Nellie."

Dan poked Amy's side. "Think she'll be like that one? The one that let us paint-bomb the house?"

"_You_ paint-bombed the house, and it was Adriana."

"Or that one who let me take Aunt Beatrice's old lady makeup and smother it over the walls?"

"You mean _that's_ what you did in her room? No _wonder_ she was so angry."

"Yeah, well. Which one was it?"

"Sasha, I think. I liked her. She used to bring books for me everyday."

"Everyday? She lasted for _one_ day."

"Dan, I'm just saying."

"Or the one who let me paint everything with peanut butter?"

"Carina."

"Oh, yes, I liked that one. She said she was a police officer, right? And she hated Aunt Beatrice as much as I did."

"Mm. She was filling up for a friend who couldn't make it."

"Who else was there? The one who let me climb up Aunt Beatrice's trellis, the one she used for growing rosevines?"

"Kelly."

"And the one who let me eat a _huge_ burger after school at MacDonalds, and then I ended up spewing it all over Aunt Beatrice's bed? Was her name Cindy?"

"Nope, Cheryl. At least you were close."

"Oh, and then she and I tried cleaning it off with Aunt Beatrice's favourite dress!"

"She was _fuming, _Dan."

"Nah, she wasn't. I bet even Aunt Beatrice saw the humour in that one."

"Some humour it had."

"Uh-huh. And that girl, Henrietta, who was completely crazy?"

"I _liked_ her, Dan."

"Birds of a feather flock together," Dan sing-songed. "Besides, that Goth one, I think her name was...Celine?"

"Freda."

"Oh, whatever. She was the one who wore black lipstick and black clothing and was anorexic and bulimic and blasted rock music from our TV and moaned in sync with the lead singer of As I Lay Dying?"

"Oh, that was gross. Now I remember."

"Yep, and then Aunt Beatrice came back early because she thought Fiona –"

"Freda."

" – was torturing us, right?"

"Dan," Aunt Beatrice said impatiently, "I can hear you."

Dan shrugged. "So?"

Aunt Beatrice threw him a ferocious glare, but then returned her attention to Nellie. "She'll be taking care of you. Now, when I come back, I expect _everything_ to be _as it is_ right now. Understand?"

Dan started whistling, and Amy mustered a weak, "Yes."

"Good," said Aunt Beatrice, and then she turned on her heel, sniffing, and stalked from the house.

"You're going to be fired," Dan told Nellie, straight-out. She raised a single eyebrow.

"Is that so?"

"Yes. Every au pair we've had so far has been fired," confessed Dan. Nellie's eyebrow rose even higher. "_Within a day,_" he added for good measure.

"How do you know I won't be the one to break that streak?" asked Nellie. Dan's brow furrowed in concentration while Amy watched the conversation worriedly.

"W-Will you?" She stammered.

Nellie caught her eye, smiled, and nodded.

"What makes you think so?" asked Dan.

"Well, I'm probably guessing that all the au pairs you've had so far have been _bad_ ones. Right?"

Dan and Amy exchanged looks. "Well," began Dan, "we aren't exactly fluffy pillows either."

"Nothing a good au pair shouldn't be able to handle, eh?" asked Nellie, reaching for her pocket. Dan wondered if she were going to pull out a gun, and Amy's eyes widened.

But it was an iPod that Nellie drew from her pocket, and without looking at them, she popped both earbuds into her ears.

"So you're a good au pair?" Dan asked doubtfully, eyeing her wild, streaked hair, and the silver snake that protruded from her nose. _A nose piercing,_ he realised, and grinned. _Wicked._

"Yep." Nellie eyed the grin that spread across his face and smiled back. "And guess what?"

"What?" asked the Cahill siblings in unison.

"A good au pair never gets fired. So, whaddya say?"

The two siblings looked at each other and grinned. This was going to be _fun._

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><p>So, as Aunt Beatrice walked sniffily into the apartment that night, she was astounded to find all of them crashed out on the sofa, surrounded by crumbs and wrappers, her fashion magazines scattered across the sofa, and an extremely violent and extremely age-inappropriate movie currently flashing on the television screen. Even in the dim light, Dan and Amy were able to see her turning red, then slowly purple.<p>

"NELLIE!"

"Wait for it," sighed Dan. This was the most fun he had had in years.

"HOW _DARE_ YOU LET THEM WATCH SUCH A MOVIE, MAKE SUCH A MESS AND PLAY WITH MY THINGS, YOU ABYSMAL LITTLE –"

"She was even better than Henrietta," sighed Amy.

"YOU'RE – " Aunt Beatrice roared.

"Fired," groaned Amy and Dan at the same time.

However, Aunt Beatrice's lips couldn't seem to shape the words. She deflated, slowly, visibly, before their very eyes, slowly sinking back into her usual, pale, pinched, sniffy self. "Welcome to come back tomorrow," She said in a defeated tone, and then stalked into her room and slammed the door.

Amy and Dan turned to Nellie with wide eyes. Nellie shrugged and grinned. "What did I tell you?"

Then, without a word, they both rushed her and hugged her.

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading. It wasn't great, but I didn't expect it to be. Review if you may, but please do.<strong>

**xoxoisabelle**


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